Mr. Wumpus, and the Hippies Elves

It was the morning. The sun just coming up over the rolling green hills. Birds chirping. Squirrels playing on the grass. Mr. Wumpus wakes up to such a beautiful day that he can't do anything but stand at the window and take it in for awhile. Suddenly there was a screech as one of the squirrels stepped on the trip wire that drops a section on lawn into a deep fryer. Mr. Wumpus now thinking about how hungry he was headed over to the kitchen. He got a large bowl and filled it with deep fried grass, dirt and squirrel. And took a big bite of it, but there was something missing, so Mr. Wumpus headed over to the pantry and got some fresh pixies, which he proceeded to put into a pixie press and smash them into his breakfast. With horrible screams of pain the pixies were mushed through the holes in the pixie press. now that Mr. Wumpus's breakfast had smashed up bits of screaming pixie on it, the taste was just right. Finishing his traumatizing breakfast, Mr. Wumpus gets dressed for work. Then grabs his briefcase and heads out the door, full of screaming goodness.

Heading through the town of happy ponies Mr. Wumpus bumps in too old Mrs Wetherfield, who needs help crossing the street.

“Time for a good deed” Thinks Mr. Wumpus.

Mr. Wumpus stops and begins to help Mrs Wetherfield across the street. Along the way an insane drunk comes driving a car straight at them. Knowing exactly what to do Mr. Wumpus puts Old Mrs. Wetherfield between himself and the car. Mr. Wumpus of course is just fine as his great strength stopped the car in its path and putting Mrs. Wetherfield in the way kept his suit from getting wrinkled.

“Well then shall we continue.” Mr. Wumpus says to a now very much thinner and more dead version of Mrs. Wetherfield. Noticing this Mr. Wumpus says. “Oh...ops. Well there is always tomorrow for good deeds.” As he continues across the street, dropping Mrs. Wetherfield's corpse into a manhole along the way.

As Mr. Wumpus reaches work the screams from the pixie bits have started to die down, leaving the the screams from the tougher jolly elf and enchanted tree from the previous day. “Hmm...perhaps I should take a early lunch today. I'll have to see how the Jolly Elves are doing first.” Mr. Wumpus looks out over the work floor. The elves appear to no have slept the previous night. “Wow the productivity I would loose if I didn't feed all the elves speed.” Says Mr. Wumpus. The elves however were not working very hard, they seemed to be sitting or standing in one place shaking and sweating

“Damn where do they keep getting those chairs...” Says Mr. Wumpus. He begins to reach for his slave driving whip, when his stomach starts growling with the lack of screams in it. “Hmm...No time for that. I'll have to fix this in some other way” Thinks Mr. Wumpus.
So Mr. Wumpus turns the temperature up a few more degrees then sets the floor to electrocute anything that stands still for more then 4 seconds. True that most of their tasks take at least seven minutes to complete, requiring that they stand in one place for that time, but this should teach them to dance and work. Mr. Wumpus is always on the watch for ways to increase employee moral, and what better way to do that then by introducing dancing to the workplace? Mr. Wumpus then proceeds to take that much needed early lunch.

Back into the Town of Happy Ponies Mr. Wumpus walks. He heads right for his favorite Cafe. Sitting down he orders a small coffee and a sandwich. Sitting out on the patio with the wind lightly blowing Mr. Wumpus begins to read a book that he had brought with him. as he drinks his coffee, and eats his sandwich, then the waitress. This was Mr. Wumpus's favorite cafe for several reasons. One being that he owned it so that he didn't have to pay for anything. The other being that he lured the less intelligent to work there by offering high wages for simple tasks. In the three years that the cafe has been in existence Mr. Wumpus has never signed a pay check. After lunch Mr. Wumpus heads over to the local press. He has a letter which he slips under the door as he passes by. The letter anonymously says what is happening with the enchanted trees. That being that they are ripped to bits for making cookies. Then he heads back to his office and waits.

By the evening news there are stories everywhere about this. Along with these stories come large groups of hippies. Mr. Wumpus looks out over the front lawn of the factory. Several hundred hippies have gathered in protest of his cookie business. He waits until there are about five hundred of them. With the smell of over five hundred hippies the trap door is activated and all the hippies are dropped into a large hole that appeared below them.

"It was getting close there, I was running out of raw materials since all the elf rights activists had left town. I almost had to start feeding the elves other elves to keep production up." Says Mr. Wumpus as he flips on the closed circuit camera that shows the the hippies in a darkened room unknowing of their fate. When suddenly there was a grumbling in Mr. Wumpus's tummy. Something that he ate must have disagreed with him. So he headed to the evacuation room. Upon completing his evacuation. He realized that he had evacuated the elf that he had eaten a few days ago. Not one to be wasteful Mr. Wumpus pored a generous portion of peroxide on the half digest elf, and sent it back to work. Putting him in the special flavors section, as the puss from the digestion and peroxide wounds get into the cookies, giving them special flavors.

Mr. Wumpus starts up the process of turning the hippies into elf chow. Then sits back enjoying his handy work, and the screams of the hippies as they sprayed with water and soap. Mr. Wumpus smiles to himself as he hears their shouts about destroying their beliefs of not bathing, and that nothing is more sacred to them then their beliefs in hygiene. Which is soon followed by much louder shouts as they are mashed into little bits to make for food that looks more like slop.

“What a day.” Thinks Mr. Wumpus.
And a day it had been.